


Addict With A Pen

by GayAngelsAndHellfire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Castiel is a Softie, Castiel's Journal, Dean Being an Asshole, Drug Addiction, Future Castiel, Future Dean Winchester, Human Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lucifer Possessing Sam Winchester, M/M, Multi, POV Castiel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-14 18:59:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5754580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayAngelsAndHellfire/pseuds/GayAngelsAndHellfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the constant death that is around them growing closer with each day, the end is here. But for one angel, he simply wishes to have his righteous man - only the man he once loved died a long time ago. Set in Future!Castiel's POV. Very depressing and heartbreaking as it goes on. Based off of Addict With a Pen by Twenty One Pilots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Please?

**Author's Note:**

> This was just somthing quick I did while listening to this ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfT5qVREqlM ) and I just love Tyler Joseph's voice and the songs that he writes :3
> 
> This chapter is based off of this song by the smol bean Tyler Joseph ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAmInvloe_s )

Everything was falling apart. Death was looming over their shoulders with every step they take and people were dropping like flies. The angels had gone away along time ago and the hope of God having any kind of mercy on them had left their hearts. It truly was the end of the world.

But for the blue eyed angel with messy hair, he sat alone, staring at the night sky with a joint in his hand and a bottle of pills. With everyone else either on guard for Croats or looking for supplies, he had all the time he would want to sit and revel in the in the rare silence. Unlike the usual smile that plastered his face as he consumed himself in sex, drugs, and alcohol his now human body could handle, he wore a frown. As beautiful as the night sky was above him he couldn't help but be reminded of the man who he wish he could be with.

_Dean...._

 The thought alone of the man brought a pained look on the angel's face. For the image of what he had become felt like a dagger to the heart, and simply reminded him that the righteous man he gave everything for was gone now. Because now he was the fearless leader - who won't hesitate to kill even his own men who stood faithfully by his side. And the same man who once had the kind smile and such beautiful green eyes-

 _No! Stop it you idiot!!_ He mentally scolded himself as he took another hit of his joint. The man he loved had died long ago, and it was selfish of him to want him so badly when it was his job to try and keep the very few people that they had alive. Since Sam had said Yes to Lucifer, Dean took it upon himself to look after and train as many people as he could to fight off the Croats. Though even though he and Dean barely even talked anymore they both knew how guilty he felt over failing his only brother....

And Castiel was just another reminder of his failure to save the family he had.

Now that he was human he couldn't help Dean as he used to. When he would come back hurt from a search he only bandage up the wound and silently hate himself for no longer having his grace to take away his pain. Even Though he knew most of his pain was not physical the thought of having his powers to help if needed was comforting and made him feel like he belonged in his skin

But he is human now.

His powers are gone.

Without his powers he is just as useless as a baby in a trenchcoat.

  _Heh...Baby in a trenchcoat.._ He couldn't help but chuckle lightly as he could imagine his righteous man saying that - even more so how he would react when he chuckled thinking about it. If his Dean was here right now there would be so much he would be surprised about. He might of even liked Castiel this way....

He might of loved him just as much as he loved Dean.

But he didn't.

Without his grace Dean didn't **need** him.

Finishing the last of the joint, he up on his feet, lightly dusting off his faded pants as he sighed and made his way across the camp. Dean and the others should be back soon. From what he had heard they had gotten the Colt and they would soon go kill Lucifer...

Though he knew just as much as everyone else it was a suicide mission.

But it was the closest thing to a hope that they had left in this wretched world.

Reaching Dean's private quarters he let himself in, being the only one to know Dean just as well as he does has it's perks since he knew just where he his the keys and traps. Inside there were a few messy clothes thrown here and there, piles of empty beer cans, and a simple table and bed. There was nothing welcoming about this in the slightest but that's what made it more like Dean.

_More like **his** Dean... _

Shaking that thought from his head, he pulled something out of his pocket. It was faded, and old, and was barely held together by it's leather folding a string he tied around it to keep the pages from falling out. Although Dean had thrown it out the Day he found out Sam said yes, he kept it close to him as a memory of Dean, but now that they will meet their end the next morning, he set it down neatly on the bed with a smaller book on top of it.

His own journal.

Throughout the entire time him and Dean were in this camp he had written everyday in the small worn out book - it had became something he did to keep him sane from all the memories that kept him awake at night. But since it would be their last night, he had left a single page at the end of the book blank. With the sad smile on his face, he opened the small orange bottle he kept in his hand this entire time and popped a single handful of the colored pills into his mouth, swallowing them dry since it was something easy for him to do now. Taking a final look at the small room around him, he put on his mask again- smiling that same dopey smile as the drugs began to kick in, bright blue eye losing their shine and glazing over in a drug induced haze. He walked out of the quarters and leaving the room and a dark silence.

But as the green-eyed hunter later walked into his room, happy for once since the apocalypse starting and having to watch the world go to shit, he could sense the fading presence of fallen angel, and as mad as he wanted himself to be for him invading his personal space, he couldn't help but smile as the memories of his beloved angel filled his head. He was comforted by this familiar feeling and for once it actually felt like he was alive again.

With a smile on his face and the faint feeling of exhaustion creeping into his nerves, he stripped himself of his jacket, setting it on a chair as he made his way to his bed, stopping dead in his tracks as he noticed something sitting on the table.  Walking over to the worn piece of furniture he was surprised to find his father's journal next to an unfamiliar looking book with it. Opening the worn book, he could recognize the writing almost immediately as his eyes read the first few words.

_" I rebelled, I fell from heaven and I lost my grace, and I did it all for you-_

_my righteous man..."_


	2. Chapter One: Hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas can't bear to watch Dean turn into the man that he is now. With a pain that not even the strongest of drugs can subside, he tries to save himself from the painful memories by writing in a journal - which is soon something that he will become to rely on more than his fake smile and laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I was very surprised to see that even one person read this cause it was just one of the many pointless drabbles I made (but never posted). And since finals were coming up I was going to do updates on a two to three day basis. But when I saw one of my favorite fanfic blogs share my story, I got a bit more energy and motivation to try and do another chapter. This chapter is based off of Hollow by the AMAZING Breaking Benjamin ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqz6xBd-xKk ) Hope you enjoy it :3

August 3rd, 2012 

 It had been months since Sam left, and there is no telling what Dean is thinking of doing next. He refuses to admit it but with Sam gone he hasn't been the same. Everybody here in the camp has begun to notice the much colder look in his eyes and how he can kill something without a second thought. He was stuck in this empty state, unable to feel anything but the anger and sadness over the failure to save his only brother. That wall that he put up so long ago is now sealed shut and there is no hope of it ever opening up again. Without Sam to keep him sane all the pain and guilt he felt was eating him alive and the only thing on his mind is the mission and getting back the Colt.

 And it is unbearable to watch.

 The righteous man that once believed that everything could be fixed had given up and watching him spiral down in a mess of alcohol and blood was too painful for the angel to watch. And since he was now shunned by the eyes of his heavenly brothers and sisters, he was losing his ability to heal him when he got hurt too badly in a search or an attack on the camp - let alone himself as he was faced with the painful reminder as he was forced to lie in a bed for two months after breaking his foot. The pain was just yet another reminder of what he had become.

It was a reminder of how useless he truly was.

 There were days where he could sometimes see a small glimmer of the man he once knew. Whether it be in small jokes or running into an old gem during a search for supplies; like a finding a Jimi Hendrix tape or driving near a place where they did a hunt, and they would talk and laugh about how simple things used to be. Only to be reminded of the pain they faced and the shaggy haired man who isn't with them today. But there would be the extremely painful days, where while during their daily routines and trying to live a semi-normal life, there would be another attack and there would be countless casualties of their already depleting numbers. Or Dean would be hurt so badly that for a moment Castiel would truly think that he was going to lose his only reason to keep fighting. Those days even the strongest drugs can't numb him enough to not feel that dread that overcame him when he saw his bloody and unmoving body or the pained expression on his face that he wished so badly he could take away with a press of his two fingers.

Those days were happening much more often.

 Watching it all happen was something that was driving the poor angel insane. With all the guilt and sorrow he felt, he can feel his facade breaking down. There would be times that he couldn't even force the smile on his face and at times lashed out at the ladies in his shack. People who noticed his uncharacteristic behavior would show their concern, and he couldn't even be able to give them an answer - just give them a small nod and empty smile. But most of all the one thing that killed him the most is that everytime this happened Dean would would break character and when noone was looking give him that Goddamn worried look, which for a second would make him believe that the righteous man he knew was still knew was still in there-

But he **isn't**.

The righteous man died the day Sam walked away.

 _Just like you.._ He couldn't even deny it anymore. He was dead inside. Without his grace or the man who would sing old rock songs poorly and loud in his beloved impala and had a downright fetish with pie and his moose of a brother he was nothing. He wasn't an angel. He had no family. He was a poor excuse of a human and he had nowhere that he belonged. The only things that kept him company at night was the misery in his heart and the drugs coursing through his veins, but even they could do so much to stop the aching in his broken soul. All of it was driving him insane and he knew soon enough he would fall apart eventually.

But he couldn't.

He needed to be here for Dean.

Eventhough it wasn't his Dean anymore he still wanted to be here for him.

He **NEEDED** him

Even if Dean didn't need him at all.

 He need a way to let these demons out without letting them overcome his logic and do something that he would regret even more. That's when it hit him in the face like a freight train and he got up so fast that he was hit almost just as hard with a wave of dizziness and had to lay his hand on the walk to catch his bearings. In a body that was not his own it took him a bit of time of digging he had finally found it.

A book.

 It was something he had found a while back on the night Dean threw out John's journal. He was sure it was Chuck's. Even though God had left a long time ago he still enjoyed writing and read to the younger kids in the camp. The book in his hands was seemed almost new. With a few pages torn and stained, he opened it up to a blank page and sat back down on his bed with a pen already trying to find the words to start off with. Not needing much thought he let himself let out all of the pain and sadness he held in for so long since he became human and slowly felt himself let go.

For the first time since the world fell apart he wasn't hiding behind his mask.

And he smiled.

Because for once he didn't feel so hollow and empty.

For once...

He felt alive

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it! Two chapters in the same day as I published it. To be honest I am actually kind of proud of myself. Over the entire week of me being sick this is the most energy I have had in a while. Though I have to go back to school tomorrow and I have finals this week I will start to work on more updates and possibly another story. Hope you liked it and if you have any suggestions or ideas feel free to comment or message me at my tumblr (http://gayangelsandhellfire.tumblr.com ) 
> 
> UPDATE: I was going to try and start working on the next chapter and publish it before I went to school the next day - but what was supposed to be a minor case of bronchitis actually was pneumonia. Which of course they dismissed as well and just gave me a bunch of antibiotics. Unfortunately for me these said medications have some killer side effects and is making it even more difficult for me to focus and even stay awake for more than a couple of hours. So the schedule made for myself to update probably will be on a bit of a delay until I get back on my feet - or at least am able to somehow find the energy to write some more. Sorry again but I hpe you enjoyed the story :)


	3. Chapter Two: Hatefuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had never meant for thing to escalate like this between him and Dean, but even he could not resist those beautiful green eyes - or the wonderfully dull pain coursing through his body the morning after as his mind is still in a haze after night of drugs and sex. Especially when he gets the wonderful view of the sleeping hunter lying in the bed next to him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance - This chapter was supposed to be published at like the beginning of the week, but getting back into my daily routine has been kicking my ass BIG TIME. But finals are over ((which I barely managed to pass)) and I am trying my 'best' to be positive about not failing, I will be writing this at about 2:30 in the morning - and hopefully publish this later in the day or early in the afternoon before/after class.

January 14th 2013

 He had never meant for thing to escalate like this between him and Dean, but even he could not resist those beautiful green eyes - or the wonderfully dull pain coursing through his body the morning after as his mind is still in a haze after night of drugs and sex. Especially when he gets the wonderful view of the sleeping hunter lying in the bed next to him...

But then he would remember that this was not his hunter anymore

 This painful realization would always hit him when the hunter would awaken - not giving him even the slightest bit of attention and leave him after he simply put his clothes back on. The only time he ever gave him attention anymore was when he needed to get off and he was the closest thing to a quick fuck. And as much as Cas would like to imagine if things had been different, and they didn't have to be stuck in the apocalypse that maybe...just maybe, things would be different.

Who was he kidding? It's Dean Winchester for fuck's sake! The closest thing he ever had to along term relationship was with his car. For all he knows he probably found some way to have sex with that a long time ago...

And that is something he would rather not think about.

 Watching the green eyes hunter leave once again, the fallen angel buried his head into the pillow, not giving into the temptation of checking out his ass as he walked out of the room. Because the last thing he would want is for Dean to catch him and have to se that disgusted and stone cold look on his face that he always gave him. Which would give him yet another thing to try and forget as he would later get high off his ass before the afternoon - just so he could face the said hunter in a later meeting and give himself a break from all the guilt and sadness that always consumed him. Even if it was for a little bit..

 But just as that thought left his mind he could feel the sickening burn of bile making its way up his throat, and as fast as he could manage on shakey feet, got up and raced to the bathroom. Falling to his knees clumsily, he let it all out as the toxic fluid left his mouth, along with a few gasping and gagging sounds as the sickening smell filled his nostrils. The disgusting scent only made it worse as his stomach lurched and more of its contents came spilling out. By the time he was done puking, his face was covered in a thin layer of sweat and he could hardly stand as his entire body was shaking in small tremors. All he had the energy to do was rest his head on the end of the toilet seat as he flushed the vile mess down the toilet, the only sound being the panting leaving his sore and aching throat.

  _And you wonder why Dean would never love you? Just take a look at you! You're pathetic!!_ A quiet sob left his throat as the thoughts filled his mind, no longer hazed with the drugs and alcohol that he did to keep these emotions locked away. But he was alone now, and without being able to hide behind his facade he can't pretend that he wasn't broken, he can't act like he's okay any longer...

He was a mess and knew it.

 He couldn't fight back the cries that ripped through his sore throat, eyes burning as tears cascading down his trembling face. With what strength he could salvage he had the toilet seat in a death grip as he fell apart into a mess of gasps and sobs on the bathroom floor.

He had truly fallen in everyway possible. 

 In what felt like a blur of tears and even more throwing up, Castiel barely realized just how long he had been locked into the bathroom until after a few unnoticed knocks, he was finally brought back to reality by a familar voice calling his name from the room across from him.

_"Cas?"_

Shit.

 He didn't want Dean to see him like this!! He was an absolute wreck! Not even in a pair of boxers, the bruises and bitemarks from last night's events were still very visible on his pale and weak body - unlike Dean who was in much better shape than him - with his toned muscles and his perky ass..

God Dammit, he didn't have time for this! He could spend all the time thinking about Dean's ass later. Right now he needed to find a pace to hide or at least something to cover himself with so Dean wouldn't have to see him like this-

_"Cas, are you okay? Why are you on the floor??"_

Getting up as fast as he could, he was instantly me hit with a wave of dizziness as his legs gave out and he fell to the ground - only to feel a pair of strong arms wrap around him. His minds racing as the same pair of hands gripped his naked waist in a firm grip.

_"Cas, Dude. You have to say something, buddy."_

_"H-Huh?"_

Smooth Cas. Way to pretend to be okay.

 Who was he kidding, even if he tried he can't pretend to be okay. With the state that he is in, he will be lucky if he can even look Dean in the eye after this. Even now as the hunter looks at him - most likely one of pity and disgust - he doesn't even have to look up to feel his eyes boring a hole through him. The silence almost deafening.

He couldn't handle this.

This was all to much.

He was becoming too vunerable and he couldn't let Dean see him like this..

But then he felt the arms wrap tighter around him, their warmth comforting. 

 With all of his previous thoughts leaving his mind, Castiel barely moticed that he was lifted off the ground and was being carried back to his room until he felt the softness of his bed and realizzed just how tired he was. Now only wanting to sleep, just as he was about to drift away from the previous events and into his mind, he felt the bed shift.

Someone was lying next to him. 

 Unsure of who it was, the fallen angel was about to turn over to the side of the sleeping body next to him, just so he could catch a glance of who it was - when the same strong arms from earlier were wrapped around his body. Warm breath lingering on his neck, he was suprised that for the first time since the whole world fell apart, there was nothing sexual going on between him and the gunter as they were lying together in the bed. As strange as it was, he couldn't help but smile as he leaned into their touch, having no desire to get off or have a quick round in the darkness of night, but just to be here. With the hunter by his side. 

Maybe...

Just maybe...

His righteous man wasn't dead after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for any mistakes or errors, I tried my best to double check but I have been sick for over a week and I don't have much energy right now other than posting this and lying back down. I will update this as often as I can or whenever I have the chance. But if you have any suggestions/ideas feel free to comment :3


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